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Correspondence

Bereavement

Client: I am ( I don’t like to say “was”) very close to my father and he’s truly an incredible man. He died on the 25th of last month from lung cancer. I am finding this unbearable. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do and what is normal anymore with regard to how I’m acting/feeling.

I have the option to starting on a Masters degree course from October but am unable to think that far.

I know it’s not even been a month but I’m scared I’ll be forever stuck in this feeling of pain and grief and non-thinking. or whether I will become depressed and be unable to continue or ever begin to be normal again.

Shomit: Three weeks is a very short time so I can understand you finding it difficult to accept the reality of it. But, in order to move forward, you must eventually accept what has happened and move on. I know everyone says this – and it is difficult to know how, especially when there is a part of you that simply doesn’t want to. One way of course is to bite the bullet and use the word “was” after all. It is quite amazing how powerful language is in this regard. Once you start using the word “was” your brain will automatically drop its reluctance to acknowledge the reality of what has happened – because it will find it is doing so already, albeit in the medium of language.

The other thing you may try and do to slowly wean yourself off your grief is to imagine that there is a grieving child inside you – but also a mature, responsible adult. The child is so hurt that her cries are dominant. The adult must take charge, and comfort the child, and gently help the child to move on. The person who must be strong for the child within you is – you! You may not feel you can do this – but that is because your thoughts are dominated by the crying of the child. Remember however that there is as well an adult within you. You must galvanise that adult. A part of the grief passes “naturally” with time – but you can hold on to that part a very long time before letting it go. Equally, you can relinquish it quickly. Sometimes that feels disloyal – as if to move on is to do your father a disservice. Nothing could be further from the truth. After all, what would he want?

So: galvanise the adult within you and get her to comfort the child. The way to do this is as follows: pick a role model – a woman of compassion and strength in your life. And ask yourself the question, “If I were that person, how would I act?” The act in that way. You will find that action – rather than thought – is the true locus of change. You will get better – there is a process in all this. You must allow the process to take place – not block it with holding on.

C: Thank you so very much for your quick and detailed response. I really do appreciate it. I realise what you are saying is correct. I have been trying to galvanise the adult in me and imagining what my father would have done in my position.

I have another question – I know I have to eventually start thinking about the future and taking action to make plans materialise, but how soon is eventually?

S: It is difficult for me to tell you “how soon is eventually” because I am not there and do not have an opportunity to observe you face-to-face.

However, I can give you the underlying principle. And, in general terms, that is: recovery is best conducted in the body, not the mind. It is when your body begins to do things that it associates with recovery that your mind will get used to the fact that it is in recovery. So the sooner you get your body out of the patterns of grief, the quicker your mind will relinquish its need to grieve.

I understand that this is counter-intuitive, so let me give you a simple example. If someone you know if feeling low you may well say to them, “Come for a walk in the park; it’ll make you feel better.” And they may well reply, “I don’t feel like it. I’ll go for a walk once I feel better.” Can you see how the friend would be missing the point? The fact is that her mind would feel better if she were to go for a walk in the park; by waiting for her mind to feel better by lying in bed, she would in fact be perpetuating her misery.

So my advice to you is to make it a point to go back to a healthy daily routine immediately. Do not, for a week or two, focus on the future: focus entirely on getting the unit of one day right. Try and make sure you can answer these three questions positively at the end of every day:

1. What did I do for my body? (This has to do with healthy heating, with exercise, etc)

2. What did I do for my mind? (This has to do with getting your mind back in gear by reading etc)

3. What did I do for my soul? (This has to do with actually clocking up some p;ositive time – listening to music, meeting frends, doing things that you enjoy.)

You will find that, as you actually move and nourish the body, as you move and nourish the mind, as you move and nourish the soul, your capacity to entertain a brighter future will return.

 

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