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Correspondence

Co-dependency

Client: My mother has delegated responsibility for her happiness to me. It’s been a lifelong burden. I’m angry at her constant guilt-mongering.
 
Shomit: Remember the stuff we discussed about co-dependency: your mother has assumed the role of the needy one and you have assumed the role of caregiver. Unless you give up your role in this cycle, you will keep her trapped in her role as well and the vicious circle will continue. So, to give up your role as caregiver is not cruel: it is to free you both.
 
So how do you do it?
 
First, you act on your awareness of the phenomenon of co-dependency. This will help you correct for it. Catch yourself being drawn to the role of caregiver out of habit and resist. If you feel any guilt that may come up, let it go, knowing as you now do that you are both on a journey and co-dependency is an impediment for both of you.
 
Second, go to the root of your need to be needed, which is a despairing variation on the theme of your need to be loved. It lies somewhere in your past. I’ll do an exercise which will free you of the burden. Together we will eliminate it.

 

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